Apparently you make a good broom.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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