It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
