drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
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