Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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