Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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