This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
