Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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