We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
