You were right. It hurts to walk today.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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