good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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