5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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