Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
