At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
