I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
