She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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