there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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