thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
