so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
worst night to have a conscience
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
