get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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