you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
