I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
