We're facebook friends in real life
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Who put my cat in the fridge?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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