the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
