It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
