In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
