Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
