There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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