im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
