New low: just hacked my moms facebook
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
