if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
