nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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