I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Randomize
