Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
