Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
How does one acquire holy water?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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