I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
