That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
a search helicopter?!
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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