EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
