is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
