I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I just had sex on a roof
It's shark week go big or go home
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
