Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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