They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
The air taste purple.
Randomize
