yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
