If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
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