Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
