Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
