dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
