I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
