He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
