I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I think I died a long time ago.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
