He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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